Think Before You Judge….

I saw another one of those posts on Facebook today. It was one of those posts that said something like “get a job” to those on food assistance programs. The worst part about that post is that it came from someone in the career field that actually works with this population of people. I feel sorry for those that come to this person for assistance, knowing what I know about their attitude toward the population they serve..the reason that they themselves have a job.

I worked in the DCF (Department of Children and Families) office here in Kansas for three years. My job was to assist survivors of domestic violence with the whole crazy navigation process of the “system”, and to provide support for any other DV issues that they were experiencing at the time. I enjoyed this job, as I felt that I was really making a difference. I worked alongside the caseworkers that dealt with food and cash assistance programs. Some of these caseworkers were fantastic, understanding people that truly had the heart for a job like this. Many others were bitter, jaded, and judgmental of those that came in for assistance. This was the reason that I chose to return to my previous job of working in the mental health field and advocating for those that needed some extra support in their corner.

First off, I want to make it clear that I am fully aware that there are people that abuse the system. I’ve seen it firsthand and I know that it happens all too frequently. This is nothing new. These are not the people that I’m talking about today.

My irritation comes from false assumptions, generalizations about certain populations, and judgmental attitudes toward anybody that looks “normal” and receives assistance. False assumptions that a person is lazy because they receive food assistance. Generalizations that all of these people want and expect handouts. Judgmental attitudes such as “look at them, they have a nice cell phone, decent car, and nice clothes..but they are using food stamps. They just need to get a job like the rest of us”. Do you know their WHOLE story? Do you know for certain that they don’t have a job? Are you sure there isn’t an underlying physical illness or mental health issue that isn’t outwardly apparent? Even cheap cell phones can look expensive these days. Maybe they borrowed their parents car to get to the store or to their appointments. I don’t know anything about them, so I’m not going to judge. It’s not my place, and it’s not yours.

I am guilty..

I admit I have caught myself judging for similar things. I’ve seen people that I know receive assistance at the store buying cigarettes or I’ve noticed a handful of beautifully manicured nails, and I’ve gone automatically into silent judging mode myself. During times like these I have to catch myself and put a stop to it right there. I don’t know their whole story. Could they be abusing the system? Possibly. Could there be valid reasons behind everything they do? Possibly. I have no idea.

My Story..

I don’t know their story, but I know my story. My first marriage began when I was 17 years old and a senior in high school. We were kids, and we were poor. My husband was a couple of years older than me and he worked full time at a restaurant owned by his older brother. I worked very part time at the donut shop. We had a newborn son. My husband had a very volatile relationship with his brother, they would argue, and his brother would fire him. He would always hire him back after my husband groveled at his feet, but we would go days (sometimes longer) with no pay from him. We received food assistance and a medical card for my son. I also received WIC. At the time, the food stamps were given in little coupon books that made it very obvious to everyone around that I was receiving help. I was embarrassed and ashamed.

I can remember planning my trips to the grocery store late at night, about an hour before closing time. That way I could hopefully avoid seeing anyone that I knew. I always bought my groceries at the smallest, least populated store in town. Those food stamps were a God send to me. We could barely pay our rent and utilities. Heck, who am I kidding? My utilities were shut off more than once. It is a terrible feeling to come home to a house with no lights, go to the phone to call your mother and cry…but discover that your phone has also been disconnected. I remember that exact scenario. Over thirty years ago and it is still stuck in my mind. I felt like a failure. I was judging myself.  I’m just glad social media wasn’t around then to see all of the horrible, nasty things people post about those needing help.

“Your husband should have looked for a better job.” There, I said it before anyone else could. He applied everywhere. I know he did because I can remember hopping in his little old Chevy Luv pickup and driving from place to place. He would get an application, come back out to the truck, fill it out there on the spot with my help, and take it back in asking to talk to someone. I  remember sitting out in the truck and praying that he wouldn’t come out of the building right away, because that might mean that he was actually getting to talk to someone in charge. . If you didn’t know my story, you wouldn’t have known we did that on any days he had off. We weren’t sitting around waiting for handouts. He finally did get a job as a custodian for the school district, making $5 per hour. We were so thrilled, because minimum wage was $3.35 per hour. He worked there for five years.

That’s not the end of my story..

My marriage ended after 15 years. I was lucky enough to meet my current husband and we were married two years later. Although he makes pretty good money as a truck driver, we had 7 kids between us. There was a period of about three weeks in 2003 when I was between jobs and we were struggling on just his income. I finally swallowed my pride and decided to see about applying for short term food assistance. The caseworker that I had to meet with knew me, as she was friends with a former co-worker of mine. She made me feel like a total piece of crap for being in there, and it wasn’t just my imagination. She gave me a list of documents that I needed to gather and bring back in before she would begin processing the application. I left the office, got in my car, and cried. I went home and told my husband that it just wasn’t worth it. We made it through, as my job came through the next week. I wasn’t abusing the system, but she sure made me feel like it.

I used to comment on every unfair and judgmental post I saw on social media. Posts like “if methadone is free to addicts, why isn’t ….” strike a chord with me. Methadone is FAR from free. I’ve had loved ones on Methadone, and I know this firsthand. I just scroll, as I’ve discovered it really does no good to argue with people. I’m not going to change anyone else’s mind, and they aren’t going to change mine. From time to time I will still step in if I feel a comment is attacking me or a loved one personally. Other than that, everyone is free to have their opinions. I just wish they didn’t have to make false assumptions. 🙁

Summing it all up…

If you read this and you see yourself doing any of these things, just take a minute to think about it. A few unfortunate twists of fate and this could be any one of us in a similar situation. Everybody has a story, just remember to look further than outward appearances.

Truthfully, this doesn’t even have to pertain to judging those on assistance. I’d like you to also think about judging people in general. Some are quick to judge others and their actions without knowing the full story. This person could possibly have a mental issue that is not apparent, and they choose to keep it to themselves. They would rather let people think what they will about them,even gossip about them, other than reveal the suffering they experience on a daily basis. Not everyone or everything is what it seems to be.  Something to think about?