“Upheaval“ by Adrienne Towner

The following is a guest post by my very talented friend, Adrienne Towner. I sincerely hope this is the first of many contributions from this very special lady!

Have you ever made a mistake…? Done something that you immediately regret..? Tried to make someone feel bad because you are feeling sad?
It’s like this… You are making a cake. The best, most tastiest cake you ever dreamed of, never mind the way you envision it being decorated. You research recipes, you take notes, you carefully select and painstakingly gather the best ingredients you can find. You exert all of your time and energy into gathering said ingredients. You clean and prepare the work area thoroughly. You minimize distractions. You diligently, lovingly and methodically begin to blend the selected ingredients. You carefully ensure they are incorporated, trying to eradicate any imperfections along the way.
The next step is to put it under extreme heat and witness the beauty and magic of transmutation.
Ahhhhh, it is smelling divine! Watching, ever ready, patiently, attentively..
Now, right here… This part is extremely important. The next step I have found to be one of the hardest.
You think you’re done. You’re ready to be done. You’re tired. You’re hungry. You’re wondering how much more before you can enjoy the fruits of your labor??
But it could look better. You know what you wanted it to look like and taste like, right? Are you there yet? No?
Alright. Onto the ornamental. Why? Because the details. The delicacies. The awe. The magic. The thought, time and care.
Wait a minute though? What about all the thought time and care that has already been invested? Doesn’t that count for something? ? ?
You right. Let me finish what I started. Let me see this through to completion. Let me give a little bit more because the details do matter.
Frosting, decorating, frosting.
Hello self doubt my old friend, I have come to talk with you and pity again. . .
I got distracted. I got impatient. I started feeling unappreciated, and insecure. I started fucking things up the minute I stopped trusting the process and believing in myself. I let distractions get it the way of my vision!
I threw the fully cooked and partially frosted cake against the wall. I gasped in horror and disbelief as I watched something solid I had worked so hard to create become tiny pieces all over the ground.
Dismay. Dumbfounded. Delirium.
What just happened? How could I? Why did I?
I have many theories.
The one question that remains would be is there anything left that is salvageable. And do I even want a salvaged version, when I know the masterpiece it could have been,,, it would have been,,,, it should have been…
I’m desperate. Sifting through pieces and remains.
Dirty, crumbled, fragile remains.
Regret. Remorse.
Breakdown. Breakthrough.
Now what?
Now I cry. Until I can’t.
Then, when I am good and ready, I clean. And clean, and clean some more.
I prepare.
And I laugh.
I have done this before, so therefore I can certainly do this again.
This time I have hindsight.
This time I have everything I had before, and more.
This time, I will try my best.
Again.
Knowing every time I get a little bit better at this whole making a masterpiece thing.