Where Are My Glasses?

Losing my mind (and other things)

Do you ever misplace things? I notice that I do it more and more as time goes on. Usually it’s just little things that I quickly find once I calm down and stop having a “shit fit” about it. Sometimes I purposely put something important in a safe place, and then completely forget where that place was located! One year my oldest son bought a little treasure chest to bury “treasure” in the backyard for my grandson to find. Such a cute idea! I put the treasure box in a safe place. Four years later, I still can’t remember where I put it! There is one item that I’ve “lost” a few times recently, and it a big deal. If you walk in my house and hear me yelling “where are my glasses?”, you had better be prepared to help me or walk straight back out of the house. Losing my glasses puts me in full force bitchamatic panic mode!!

My glasses are a permanent fixture on my face, so how could I lose them?

That is a good question. I am terribly nearsighted. If an object isn’t right in front of my face, it’s so blurry I can’t tell what it is. I keep my glasses on my face at all times, unless I’m sleeping (or holding my cell phone right in front of my face to read something). When I go to bed, I place the glasses on my nightstand. Simple, right? Not always. I’m so blind that I can’t actually SEE what’s on my nightstand, so when I wake up I fumble around feeling for my glasses in the spot I thought I put them. Usually I can find them this way.

HELP ME!

A few weeks ago I took a nap. My husband was gone to work, my son was gone somewhere..I was alone. I woke up and blindly fumbled around on the nightstand to find the glasses, and I heard them fall. Actually, I heard them FLY. Oh, no!! I got down on the floor (which is not an easy task anymore) and started feeling all over in the direction that I thought I heard them fly. Nothing. What the hell? I felt under the bed. Nothing. I was on my stomach by this time, blindly patting the floor all over under the bed and feeling nothing. They had disappeared! I kept crawling around, making sweeping motions with my arms, on my knees, butt sticking up in the air….nothing. My husband wouldn’t be home for hours. What am I supposed to do? If I could see to find my phone, I’d call someone to help me..but I don’t know where the fu#k my phone is at, either!! Finally I screamed “this is fu#king bullshit”!!!

My hero arrives..

You know that sweet angelic chorus that sometimes plays on movies or tv shows when an angel appears, accompanied by a golden glow around them? Ahhhahhhahhhh! Well, at that very moment, that’s what I heard and saw. Actually it was my daughter standing at my bedroom doorway saying “having some trouble?”.

Squinting as I was trying to decipher who was speaking to me, I explained what had happened. She started looking for the glasses. They were not on the floor by the nightstand, not under the bed..nowhere to be found. She finally ended up taking the comforter off the bed and shaking it. I heard them fly again. Somehow they had made it from their original spot on the nightstand, to the bed. When she shook the comforter they flew across the room. Luckily this time somebody with good eyes was able to see where they landed.

I think I need to mention I’ve had about five or six similar incidents in the past year. My husband told me I need to get an alarm on the glasses!

Nearsighted

When I was a kid (probably 12 years old), one of my favorite artists, Rupert Holmes, had a song on his album titled “Nearsighted”. I don’t think it was ever released as a single, but it was one of my favorite songs. He spoke of the song in an interview and he also discussed what it feels like to be so nearsighted that everything is blurry without corrective lenses. A few of his words stuck with me, and I do this every year at Christmas time. He said he liked to take his glasses off and stare at the Christmas tree, and basically bask in the beauty of the blur. It’s really a beautiful thing to see all of the colors of lights blur together when the glasses come off. Not only is it beautiful, it’s relaxing as well. If you are lucky enough to be nearsighted, I’d like to encourage you to try it this year. Take the glasses off, look at the blurry tree lights, and just sit quietly for a few minutes. If you have a few moments,take a listen to this song…and enjoy it as my twelve year old self did. 😊