Quirks

Lately I’ve been delving into myself..who I am, all of my idiosyncrasies, and where it all started. I’ve discovered so many things about myself that were there all along, but it’s all started to make sense now.

Two years ago, I had some health issues and along with that were some horrible bouts with anxiety. Since that time things are much better, but things about me have also changed.

I used to love doing things like Black Friday shopping, mainly just to people watch . The crowds excited me. Today, I can barely step into a Wal-Mart or any crowded place. I order my groceries for pick up or even delivery. If I do have to go in Wal-Mart, I have to sit in the parking lot in my car for 5-10 minutes just to gather myself enough to go in. Once in, I need to go to the specific areas, pick up my items, and get out as quickly as possible. By the time I get to the checkout, I am sweating profusely and my heart is racing, even if it has only been five minutes.

It’s not entirely new. Thinking back over my life, if things got hectic or chaotic in my home I would always retreat to my room alone for as long as it took to “recharge my batteries”. Some people thought I was antisocial, I knew it was needed.

I can’t stand Quik Trip, even though I love the items that they sell. I realized today that I haven’t been in our  Quik Trip for over a year. I avoid it because the parking lot is a madhouse and the store itself is always so fast-paced and busy..just too much for me. Today my daughter-in-law asked me to get her an iced coffee from QT because she didn’t have a  working vehicle. It scared the crap out of me, but I decided it would be good for me to step out of my comfort zone. I did it, and I lived! Ha.

I used to be comfortable speaking in front of people, but not anymore. I stammer more and more, even in smaller situations. I recognize that it’s a form of anxiety, even if I don’t feel anxious at the time. It is just something I deal with.

Ever since childhood I haven’t been able to sit at a table with my back facing out. I avoid this if at all possible, and if it can’t be avoided, I need to get out of there very quickly or I will panic.

Concerts and plays used to be fun for me. I still enjoy them, but only if I can be on an aisle seat or 2-3 seats in from the aisle. Anything further in, I feel trapped.  I also cannot sit in the upper level of any arena, or even the balcony. I had to sit in the balcony at a work function a few months ago, and literally had an anxiety attack for the first twenty minutes. Thankfully a coworker recognized this and kept me talking until I was able to calm myself down.

The downtown arena in Wichita has the steepest upper level I have ever experienced. When they first opened several years ago, my husband and I had tickets to see BonJovi. I was so excited, but realized there was no way I could do those steep seats. We tried standing in the entryway, but was informed by the attendant that we needed to take our seats or leave. We left, and I only saw one or two songs. Many years later, Garth Brooks came to town. The only seats available were upper level and I had promised my son I would take him, so I tried.  Once again, I started panicking. I found an attendant and explained my situation, saying I would gladly pay more if we could be moved. This time, the arena staff were very accommodating and we were actually given very good ADA seats. I was able to enjoy the entire concert.  If you have ever been to a concert at the Intrust Bank arena in the upper level, I’m sure you understand exactly what I’m talking about with the seats. Even Chiefs upper level tickets at Arrowhead were not nearly as steep as those.

I have several other things that bring on the anxiety in different ways, but the point I’m making here is that we all have our issues and many can’t be noticed outwardly, so be kind and try not to judge others. We do what we have to do in order to make it through, and that’s okay.

Have a good day!