March 25, 2020

How Do I Wipe My Tears Without Touching My Face?

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This one was a real curve ball. One moment we are making plans for spring break and looking forward to warmer weather, and the next moment…this. Coronavirus19 is here.

Am I in some sort of a long, strange dream? Did I somehow walk onto a movie set? Maybe they are filming a new Twilight Zone movie, and I’m a part of it? This can’t be real life.

Wait, what? This IS real life? Sure, I had heard the talk of this virus, but there have been many other deadly viruses come and go..so I assumed this would be the same type of situation. Except, it wasn’t the same.

My husband and I planned a little weekend spring break trip to Kansas City with our 17 year old son. My son is the ultimate Chiefs fan, a majority of his newborn wardrobe consisted of Chiefs apparel and that was only the beginning of a lifelong love for the team. We ordered tickets to a tour of Arrowhead stadium, including the locker rooms and a visit to the sidelines of the field. Since this was our youngest of seven kids, we planned to savor the moments before our nest became completely empty.

A few days before the scheduled trip, news of the virus became more and more prevalent. On the day we were scheduled to leave, things started getting a little weird. My sister gave me a container of Lysol wipes and told me to wipe everything down on our trip. We stopped at the general dollar store to get snacks and Dramamine (a necessity with this kid) for the trip. I was shocked at the long line to check out, even longer than the Christmas lines.

As we stood in line with our few things, we noticed everyone had toilet paper in their carts. I’m not exaggerating when I say that we were the only ones without toilet paper. In this line I saw one of the therapists from the agency I work, one of our local judges, and so many other people. We overheard conversations about a “run” on toilet paper.

Our hotel in Kansas City was right across from the stadium, and our room had a great view of both the Chiefs and Royals stadiums. We were careful to wipe down door handles, surfaces, and especially the remote. Our plan was to go to a nice dinner, spend the night, and our tour was scheduled at 11am the next morning. As I heard more and more news, I could tell that life was changing.

I called the tour office to make sure the tour was still on, as the Chiefs had posted a press release stating that only essential staff would be working for the next two weeks. No answer, so I called the Pro shop at the stadium. I was told that all tours were cancelled, and given the tour office number (same one I had called) to get more detailed information. Again, no answer. I left a message.

About an hour later I received a call from a number that I didn’t recognize. It was the tour office manager calling from his personal cell phone because he was working from home due to the virus. The tour was indeed cancelled, and I would receive a refund.

Later that evening, we learned that all gatherings over 250 people had been cancelled in the city. Museums were shut down, the zoo was shut down..there was nothing to do except spend the night and head back home.

This all happened less than two weeks ago. Life has since been a whirlwind of confusion and panic in some cases. Things that we all took for granted are no longer the same. We can’t go to the grocery store and grab a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, or a pound of hamburger…because the shelves are empty.

The stores have started limiting purchases. It took me three trips on three different days to finally find a bag of flour. I’ve seen videos of people literally fighting over a package of toilet paper.

Most restaurants have closed dine-in service and only offer drive-thru. Nursing home residents are locked down and cannot leave or have visitors. Many have been laid off from jobs. “Stay home” orders are in place for half of our state, and many others. Some are lucky enough to work from home. As of today, I am one of those..and I am thankful. I truly did not want to be at work, out among people constantly. I plan to stay home and only leave for essentials. Some have to work and have no child care because schools have closed for the remainder of the year. I feel for them, because I don’t know what I would have done in that situation.

This is surreal…but it IS real. The unknown is terrifying. Sitting alone in my living room a couple of nights ago, it hit me. I have a picture of my parents sitting on one of my end tables. They’ve been gone about nine years now, and as I looked at their pictures I said a prayer of thanks for that.

At least they don’t have to endure this.

The thought of the elderly trying to find a loaf of bread, trying to stay alive..alone, because of the social distancing that is necessary at this time. That was it. My eyes flooded with tears, and the dam broke. For a moment, it was all just too much.

Instinctively I reached up to wipe my tears, but then I remembered that to protect ourselves we are not supposed to touch our face. How am I supposed to wipe my tears if I can’t touch my face? Surreal.

I am praying for all of us. I’m praying for the elderly(which includes both of my living siblings), for those affected by lay-offs, for those with the virus and their families as well, for the children that are confused as to why they can’t go to school, for the teachers and administrators scrambling to come up with alternatives for learning, for those that have to work but know they should be staying home, for the medical professionals on the front lines, for the nursing home residents that cannot see their loved ones, to grocery store workers dealing with the panic shoppers, for all of us trying desperately to adjust to this strange new way of life.

It is my hope that when we get through this we will have a greater appreciation for everyday things, and for each other. This is our opportunity to put things like politics or religion aside and focus on becoming a better human race. I’ve already seen this situation bring out the worst in some people..but also the best.

As I stepped outside with my dog yesterday evening( because he has no clue anything has changed and expects his normal routine), I heard the birds singing. The grass is still turning green, and the trees are still budding and blooming. It was a quiet, beautiful evening.