November 9, 2018

1:59 am: Another Sleepless Night

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Just another sleepless night..

What you are about to read are the words that I actually wrote down on paper when I woke up in the middle of the night a few days ago. I wake up like this almost every night..or I can’t get to sleep at all. This is nothing new. When I wake up, I worry. I overthink. I keep myself awake with my racing thoughts. I know I’m not alone, because I see a bunch of other people online in the middle of the night. Please don’t tell me I need to try Thrive or any of that other stuff…chances are, I’ve probably tried it. I have several guided meditations that I use to get back to sleep, for a while. I am posting this exactly like I wrote it that night, and it shows how my thoughts race from one thing to another. How exhausting! Here we go..

1:59 am

Here I am, wide awake again. I told myself that I would just try to go back to sleep. No middle of the night Facebook. Well, maybe just for a few minutes. WOW! There are a bunch of people awake at 2 am on a Thursday morning. I wonder if they’ve even been to sleep yet.

I need to go to sleep. My alarm goes off in 4 hours, but my mind is racing. I have too much to get done tomorrow. It is supposed to snow. I hope it doesn’t get bad out- I hate to drive in crappy weather. Ooops, my pen ran out of ink. Now I’m jotting down my thoughts with a black sharpie. Is it bleeding through to the next page? Yep. Oh, well, it’s all I could find right now.

I’m worried. I’m worried about my kids, as usual. Daughter is nearing her due date and working entirely too many hours at work, on her feet. I wish she could slow down. A couple of my other grown kids are going through some rough times right now. I wish I could magically make everything better. Why can’t I? Geez, I thought the worry was bad when they were little…but at least I knew they were home and safe in their own beds. I think I’ll obsess about this for a while.

At least the cat is sleeping peacefully…

My grandson is asleep on a pallet on my bedroom floor. His parents went to a work conference out of state, so I’m watching him. He looks so peaceful, so protected. I wish I could protect all of my kids and grandkids from the world. I can’t. I know this, but I still can’t stop myself from wishing…

Did I pay the electric bill?

I can’t remember. I think I paid it already. Oh no, what if I forgot?

So, my youngest son will be going with his big brother to a Chiefs game this weekend. I wonder what the weather will be like? I hope they drive safely. I guess I’ll have something new to worry about. Oh, I just remembered that my son and his wife will be driving back from out of state in the bad weather tomorrow. I hope they have good tires. I bet they don’t. Come to think of it, my oldest son works about an hour away and he will have to be driving in the weather tomorrow as well. Maybe I should call and tell him to be extra careful. I bet he’s still awake. He’s a night owl.

I sure wish I would hear from my son that is in the Air Force in Missouri…..I miss him and worry constantly.

Stop worrying. Go to sleep.

Last week I was accused of being judgmental and thinking I’m better than others, all because my political views differ from theirs. This is why I RARELY post anything political. It’s just not worth it to me. People can’t have simple conversations without getting angry and hateful. I have always tried to be a kind person. I’ve been walked on and treated like a second class citizen because I hate conflict and would rather keep my opinions to myself..but sometimes a person just needs to stand up for something that they believe in.

Before I speak (or post), I ask myself:

“Am I saying this to be HELPFUL, or to be HURTFUL?”

I read this or saw it somewhere years ago, and I use it often. If the answer is not HELPFUL (in a genuine kindhearted way)…I don’t say it. I’m proud to say that at age 51, I’m finally beginning to start standing up for myself. I spoke up when someone cut in front of me at the movies a few nights ago. I’m sure they thought I was being a bitch, but I was proud of myself.

People can be mean. Too much anger…way too much anger. Why go through life angry and bitter?

Now I’m REALLY awake…

I need to stop writing and get back to sleep. This is how it is for me..up half the night, tired the next day. As I again check to see who is online at this hour, I know I’m not alone…