Tired

I didn’t write an original blog post in the month of December (until today). I planned to write one Christmas theme post each week, and I even went as far as writing down titles.  Never happened. It all comes down to one simple reason. I’m tired.

Tired, as in…

Tired can be a lot of things. Am I sleepy? No, not particularly.  I’m tired in so many ways, ways that are hard to put into words.

I’ve been sick. Physically sick, as in some kind of gastrointestinal issues that just keep hanging on. Some days I think I might be completely over it and then it hits me all over again. I’ve been to the doctor, I’ve had bloodwork completed. Apparently everything is fine. It sure doesn’t feel fine.

My back has also been acting up again. This has been on and off for ten years, but more on than off recently. I know my age is creeping up on me, and my weight definitely doesn’t help anything.  It feels like all I do is complain about feeling lousy for one reason or another. I’ve never been a hypochondriac, but I feel like one now. It is ALWAYS something. Every morning I tell myself to “suck it up” and put on my happy face for the world, but under the facade I am miserable.

In my job I help others with issues, and  it’s been getting harder and harder for me to do when I feel so physically and emotionally crappy myself.

I posted last month about all the issues with cars, the house, etc.  Those haven’t entirely disappeared, I think I’ve just decided it’s all part of my life now and will never get better. “ Deal with it” is my new motto.

One of my adult children is going through heartbreak right now, which means that I, too, am experiencing heartbreak. He’s having car issues on top of this. When my kids hurt, I hurt. I can’t stop it. My kid is hurting, and I’m not sleeping at night.

Financial issues. Ugh. That’s all I’m going to say about it. When will I not have to worry about how to fix things that are broken? When will it be my turn to have a dream life? When will I get to drive the nice car or have the beautiful home? I don’t think that is in my destiny. I truly do not mind living a mediocre life , as long as everything is functioning and my family is happy and healthy. Right now I can’t even say that is true.

Am I depressed? Probaby. Slightly. I think it’s more of a situational depression. Just a few months ago, I felt differently. Things were going smoothly and I felt pretty physically decent. But..in the back of my mind I was waiting for the bottom to fall out, as it always seems to do.

Positivity has always been important to me. Recently, trying to stay positive has been difficult. I wrote about life’s bank account in another post: https://cookiesandcursewords.com/lifes-bank-account-keep-it-positive

At this point, I feel that I have very little reserves in my life bank account. Yep, it’s pretty depleted.

Keep on Keeping On

I’ll take it day by day.  Christmas is over.  Perhaps the stomach issues are stress related. Who knows, maybe 2020 will miraculously part the gray clouds and I’ll find my motivation. Maybe I’ll start writing so many funny, hopeful, or uplifting blog posts that you’ll all be sick of me!

But for now, bear with me. I’m just really tired.